Creation of the Mind Maps
At this stage, each individual does three large, separate Mind Maps: dislikes, likes and solutions.
In each of the three Mind Maps you should follow the usual procedure of first completing a quick-fire Mind Map burst, which should be followed by a more careful reconstruction in which you select your BOIs.
Hslikes i For up to 1 hour (or more if required) each participant does an exhaustive Mind Map on every negative aspect of the relationship to date. No matter how many positive elements there may be in the situation, the aim at this point is to give a full and objective description of the negative aspects.
It is essential that the participants do their Mind Maps in complete privacy i and that no views or opinions are exchanged during the Mind Mapping process.
After completion of the negative Mind Map, there should be a short break, during which conversation should be strictly kept to other matters.
An identical procedure is now followed to create a positive Mind Map, in which every past and presently satisfying aspect of the relationship is revealed. Once again, it is essential that no discussion takes place during the Mind Mapping process, the point being to have a formalised discussion after completion of all three Mind Maps.
For this Mind Map, the individuals focus separately on resolution, working out plans of action to solve each aspect of the problem.
At this stage each participant takes it in turn to give presentations (see Chapter 26), first on the negative Mind Maps, then on the positive ones, and finally on the solutions.
During the presentations, the listeners have new blank sheets of paper on which they Mind Map comprehensively and precisely everything that is being said about them. It is essential at this point that the listeners remain totally
silent scribes. The only permissible comments are those made for the purpose of checking that they have understood the presenter's statements and for confirming that they can understand the others' point of view. It is particularly important to follow this rule during the exchange of negative Mind Maps, when some of the statements may be surprising, shocking or even traumatising.
The listeners need to remember that, based on the multi-ordinate nature of perception, whatever the presenters are saying must be true from their perspective. These statements must be absorbed and integrated by the listener if he or she is ever to understand why the problem has arisen and how it can be resolved.
It is also essential for all participants to tell 'the whole truth and nothing but the truth' from their perspective, as holding anything back leaves festering incompletions.
The order of presentations should be as follows:
X presents negatives, while Y Mind Maps. Short break.
Y presents negatives, while X Mind Maps. Short break.
X presents positives, while Y Mind Maps. Short break.
Y presents positives, while X Mind Maps. Short break.
Y presents solutions, while X Mind Maps.
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X presents solutions, while Y Mind Maps.
Discussion. Agreement on solutions, and celebration!
It is best to exchange the negative aspects first because they are obviously the heart of the problem. The aim is definitely not to score points or to hurt each other, but to explain as fully as possible what is causing pain to one partner so that both may heal the wounds. Indeed, the very act of getting all the negative aspects out into the open in an atmosphere of objectivity and respect can frequently more or less resolve a problem which has been mainly caused by misunderstanding of the other person's point of view.
Following the negative with the positive will often produce as many positive surprises as there were negative shocks in the previous exercise. The positive aspects of the relationship give added impetus to the search for solutions, directing the individuals' energies into a mini-group brain which is instinctively drawn towards consensus. Immediately after the exchange of solutions, mutual areas of agreement should be identified and plans of action confirmed.
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The pace and intensity of our lives, both at work and at home, leave several of us feeling like a person riding a frantically galloping horse. Our day-to-day incessant busyness too much to do and not enough time; the pressure to produce and check off items on our to-do list by each day’s end seems to decide the direction and quality of our existence for us.